Buddha teaching 阿彌陀佛 Amituofo

My mind now is all 阿彌陀佛 Amituofo. I now use 阿彌陀佛 Amituofo to replace all my wandering thoughts. This is the very effective ways to supress the wild thoughts or evil thoughts. No wonder Buddha recommended this method 2500 years ago. According to the Buddha teaching, this word阿彌陀佛 Amituofo is the helping words that can help human beings to go pure land and end the incarnation suffering. In simple words, the simplest way to go pure land, this land call Amituofo land or Buddha blissful land. Now is the end age of Buddha teaching, we still have 9000years to go before Buddhism no longer in this world. This was the land that created by Amituofo to save human beings end the suffering, Amituofo will bring us to the pure land when we about to leave this world. The condition is that our last thought must be Amituofo and stay alert at the last moment. So now we need to practise first by reciting the word 阿彌陀佛 Amituofo. This is the perfect and simply way at this time. Hope all people who want to go pure land, do not give up and you will be there for sure.

Buddha teaching The four clear and decisive instructions on purity

(The four clear and decisive instructions on purity:)

Ananda straightened his robes and then, in the midst of the assembly, placed his palms together and bowed. His mind was perfectly clear, and he felt a mixture of joy and sorrow. His intent was to benefit beings of the future as he made obeisance and said to the Buddha, "Greatly Compassionate Bhagavan. I have already awakened and attained this Dharma-door for becoming a Buddha, and I can cultivate it without the slightest doubt. I have often heard the Tathagata say, 'Save others first; then save yourself. That is the aspiration of a Bodhisattva. Once your own enlightenment is perfected, then you can enlighten others. That is the way the Tathagatas respond to the world.' Although I am not yet saved, I vow to save all beings of the Dharma-ending Age.

"Bhagavan, those beings are from the Buddha's time, and there will be as many deviant teachers propounding their teachings as there are sand grains in the Ganges. I want to enable those beings to collect their thoughts and enter Samadhi. How can I cause them to reside peacefully in a Way-place, far away from exploits of demons, and be irreversible in their resolve for Bodhi?"

At that time, the Bhagavan praised Ananda in front of the whole assembly, saying, "Good indeed! How good it is that you have asked how to establish a Way-place and to rescue and protect beings who are sunk in the morass of the final age. Listen well, now, and I will tell you."

Ananda and the great assembly agreed to uphold the teaching.

The Buddha told Ananda, "You constantly hear me explain in the Vinaya that there are three decisive aspects to cultivation. That is, collecting one's thoughts constitutes the precepts; from the precepts comes Samadhi; and from Samadhi arises wisdom. These are called the Three Non-Outflow Studies. "

"Ananda, why do I call collecting one's thoughts the precepts? If beings in the six paths of any mundane world had no sexual desire, they would not have to undergo a continual succession of births and deaths. Your basic purpose in cultivating Samadhi is to transcend the wearisome defilements. But if you do not renounce sexual desire, you will not be able to get out of the dust. Even though people may have some wisdom and the manifestation of Dhyana Samadhi, if they do not exterminate sexual desire, they are certain to enter demonic paths. At best, they will become demon kings; on the average, they will become members of the retinue of demons; at the lowest level, they will become female demons. These demons all have their groups of disciples. Each claims that he has accomplished the Unsurpassed Way. After my Nirvana, in the Dharma-ending Age, these hordes of demons will abound, spreading like wildfire as they openly practice greed and lust, while claiming to be Good Knowing Advisors. They will cause beings to fall into the pit of love and views and lose the way to Bodhi."

"When you teach people of the world to cultivate Samadhi, they must first of all cut off the mind of sexual desire. This is the first clear and decisive instruction on purity given by the Tathagatas, the Buddhas of the past, the Bhagavans. Therefore, Ananda, if cultivators of Dhyana Samadhi do not exterminate sexual desire, they are like someone who cooks sand hoping to get rice. After hundreds of thousands of eons, it will still just be hot sand. Why? It wasn't rice to begin with; it was only sand. If you seek the Buddha's wonderful fruition with a body of sexual desire, then even if you attain a wonderful awakening, it is still based on sexual desire. With sexual desire at the source, you will revolve in the three paths and not be able to get out. Which road will you take to cultivate and be certified to the Tathagata's Nirvana? You must exterminate the sexual desire which is intrinsic to both body and mind, then get rid of even the aspect of extermination. At that point you have some hope of attaining the Buddha's Bodhi. What I have said here is the Buddhas' teaching. Any explanation counter to it is the teaching of Papiyan(demon king)."

"Further, Ananda, if beings in the six paths of any mundane world had no thoughts of killing, they would not have to a undergo a continual succession of births and deaths. Your basic purpose in cultivating Samadhi is to transcend the wearisome defilements. But if you do not renounce your thoughts of killing, you will not be able to get out of the dust. Even though people may have some wisdom and the manifestation of Dhyana Samadhi, they are certain to enter the path of spirits if they do not cease killing. At best, they will become ghosts of great strength; on the average, they will become flying yakshas, ghost leaders, or the like; at the lowest level, they will become earth-bound rakshasas. These ghosts and spirits all have their followers. Each claims that he has accomplished the Unsurpassed Way. After my Nirvana, in the Dharma-ending Age, these hordes of ghosts and spirits will abound, spreading like wildfire as they argue that eating meat will bring one to the Bodhi Way. Ananda, I permit the Bhikshus to eat five kinds of pure meat. This meat is actually a transformation brought into being by my spiritual powers. It basically has no life-force. You Brahmans live in a climate so hot and humid, and on such sandy and rocky land, that vegetables will not grow; therefore, I have had to assist you with spiritual powers and compassion. Because of this magnanimous kindness and compassion, this so-called meat suits your taste. After my extinction, how can those who eat the flesh of beings be called the disciples of Shakya? You should know that, even if these meat-eaters may enter the heart-open state similar to Samadhi, they are all great Rakshas. When their retribution ends, they are bound to sink into the bitter sea of birth and death. They are not disciples of the Buddha. Such people as these kill and eat one another in a never-ending cycle. How can such people transcend the Triple Realm? "

"When you teach people of the world to cultivate Samadhi, they must also cease killing. This is the second clear and decisive instruction on purity given by the Tathagatas, the Buddhas of the Past, the Bhagavans. Therefore, Ananda, if cultivators of Dhyana Samadhi do not stop killing, they are like one who stops up his ears and calls out in a loud voice, thinking that no one hears him.. He tries to cover up the sound, but only makes it greater. Pure Bhikshus and Bodhisattvas who practice purity will not even step on grass in the pathway; even less would they pull it up with their hands. How could anyone with great compassion consume the flesh and blood of beings? Bhikshus who do not wear silk, leather boots, furs, or down, whether imported or found locally, and who do not consume milk, cream, or butter, can truly transcend this world. When they have paid back their past debts, they will not have to re-enter the Triple Realm. Why not? When someone wears anything taken from a living creature, he creates relationships with the creature, just as when people ate the hundred grains, their feet could not leave the earth. Both physically and mentally one must avoid the bodies and the by-products of beings, by neither wearing them nor eating them. I say that such people have true liberation. What I have said here is the Buddhas' teaching. Any explanation counter to it is the teaching of Papiyan(demon king)."

"Further, Ananda, if beings in the six paths of any mundane world had no thoughts of stealing, they would not have to undergo a continuous succession of births and deaths. Your basic purpose in cultivating Samadhi is to transcend the wearisome defilements. But if you do not renounce your thoughts of stealing, you will not be able to get out of the dust. Even though people may have some wisdom and the manifestation of Dhyana Samadhi, they are certain to enter a deviant path if they do not cease stealing. At best, they will become spirits; on the average, they will become evil ghosts; at the lowest level, they will become deviant people who are possessed by various sprites. These deviant hordes all have their followers. Each claims that he has accomplished the Unsurpassed Way. After my Nirvana, in the Dharma-ending Age, these evil and deviant entities will abound, spreading like wildfire as they surreptitiously cheat others. Calling themselves good knowing advisors, they will each claim that they have attained the Unsurpassed Dharma. Enticing and deceiving the ignorant, or frightening people out of their wits, they disrupt and lay waste to households wherever they go."

"I teach the Bhikshus to beg for their food according to where they are, in order to help them renounce greed and accomplish the Bodhi Way. The Bhikshus do not prepare their own food, so that, at the end of this life of transitory existence in the Triple Realm, they can show themselves to be Once-returners who go and do not return. How could thieves put on my robes and sell the Tathagata, saying that all manner of karma one creates is just the Buddha-Dharma? They slander Bhikshus who have left the home life and taken the complete precepts, saying that they belong to the path of Hinayana(Small Vehicle). In this way, they confuse innumerous beings, causing them to go astray, until they fall into the Unintermittent Hell."

"After my Nirvana, I affirm that Bhikshus who have a decisive resolve to cultivate Samadhi, and who before the images of Tathagatas can light an oil lamp in their bodies or burn off a finger, or burn even one incense stick on their bodies, will, in that moment repay their debts from beginningless time past. They can depart from the world and be forever free of outflows. Though they may not have instantly understood the Unsurpassed Enlightenment, they will already have firmly set their minds on the Dharma. If one does not practice any of these token renunciations of the body on the causal level, then even if one realizes the unconditioned, one will still have to come back as a person to repay one's past debts, exactly as I had to undergo the retribution of having to eat the grain meant for horses."

"When you teach people of the world to cultivate Samadhi, they must also cease stealing. This is the third clear and decisive instruction on purity given by the Tathagatas, the Buddhas of the past, the Bhagavans. Therefore, Ananda, if cultivators of Dhyana Samadhi do not cease stealing, they are like someone who pours water into a leaking cup hoping to fill it. He may continue for as many eons as there are atoms of universe, but, in the end, the cup still will not be full. If Bhikshus do not store away anything else than their robes and bowls; if they give what is left over from their food-offerings to hungry beings; if they put their palms together and make obeisance to the entire great assembly; if when people scold them they can treat it as praise; if they can sacrifice their very bodies and minds, giving their flesh, bones, and blood to living creatures; and if they do not repeat the non-ultimate teachings of the Tathagata as though they were their own explanations, misleading those who have just begun to study; then Buddhas certify that they will attain true Samadhi. What I have said here is the Buddhas' teaching. Any explanation counter to it is the teaching of Papiyan(demon king)."

"Ananda, although beings in the six paths of any mundane world may not kill, steal, or lust either physically or mentally, these three aspects of their conduct thus being perfect, if they tell various major lies, then the Samadhi they attain will not be pure. They will become demons of love and views and will lose the seed of the Tathagata. They claim that they have attained what they have not attained, and that they have been certified when they have not been certified. Perhaps they seek to be foremost in the world, most venerated and superior people. They announce to their audiences that they have attained the fruition of a Shrotaapanna, of a Sakridagamin, of an Anagamin, of Arhatship, of the Pratyekabuddha Vehicle, or the various levels of Bodhisattvahood up to and including the Ten Bhumi(stage)s, in order to cause others to revere and repent in front of them and because they are greedy for offerings. These icchantikas destroy the seeds of Buddhahood just as surely as a tala-tree is destroyed if it is chopped down. The Buddha predicts that such people cut off their good roots forever and lose their knowledge and vision. Immersed in the sea of the Three Sufferings, they cannot attain Samadhi."

"I command that after my Nirvana, Bodhisattvas and Arhats appear in response-bodies in the Dharma-ending Age, and take various forms in order to rescue those in the cycle of rebirth. They should either become Shramanas, white-robed laypeople, kings, ministers or officials, virgin youths or maidens, and so forth, even prostitutes, widows, profligates, thieves, butchers, or dealers in contraband, be confreres of these kinds of people, praise the Buddha Vehicle and cause them to enter Samadhi in body and mind. But they should never say of themselves, 'I am truly a Bodhisattva'; or 'I am truly an Arhat,' or let the Buddhas' secret cause leak out by speaking casually to those who have not yet studied, other than at the end of their lives and then only to those who inherit the teaching. Otherwise, aren't such people deluding and confusing beings and indulging in gross false claims?"

"When you teach people in the world to cultivate Samadhi, they must also cease all lying. This is the fourth clear and decisive instruction on purity given by the Tathagatas and the Buddhas of the past, the Bhagavans. Therefore, Ananda, one who does not cut off lying is like a person who carves a piece of human excrement to look like chandana, hoping to make it fragrant. He is attempting the impossible. I teach the Bhikshus that the straight mind is the Way-place and that in all aspects of their practice of the Four Majestic Deportments they should avoid falseness. How could they claim to have themselves attained the Dharmas of a superior person? That would be like a poor person falsely calling himself an emperor and thereby bringing about his own execution. Much less should one attempt to usurp the title of the Dharma King. When the cause-ground is not true, the effects will be distorted. One who seeks the Buddha's Bodhi in that way is like a person who tries to bite his own navel. Who could possibly succeed in that?"

"If the Bhikshus' minds are as straight as bow-strings, and they are true and real in everything they do, then they can enter Samadhi and never be involved in the deeds of demons. I certify that such people will accomplish the Bodhisattvas' Unsurpassed Knowledge and Enlightenment. What I have said here is the Buddhas' teaching. Any explanation counter to it is the teaching of Papiyan(demon king)."
The above-mentioned are so important if one wants to attain Nirvana or stop the cycle of incarnation.

Buddha’s teachings can resolve today’s conflicts

Buddha’s teachings can resolve today’s conflicts too – President at UN Vesak Day

The teachings of the Buddha are relevant today as they were twenty six centuries ago. If the leaders of our modern world are to embrace this advice, many of today’s conflicts, both domestic and international, could be resolved for the benefit of mankind, said President Mahinda Rajapaksa, addressing the United Nations Day of Vesak celebrations, in Bangkok today ( June 2).

“Justice and the Rule of Law are not alien concepts for those of us who from our childhood are nurtured by the doctrine of Buddha. These are, therefore not concepts that need to be preached to the converted,” the President said.

Here is text of President Rajapaksa’s address:

Most Venerable Sirs,

Most Venerable Prof. Phra Dharmakosajarn, President, International Council for Day of Vesak

Your Excellency, Yingluck Shinawatra, Prime Minister of the Kingdom of Thailand

Your Excellency, Yongyoot Wichaidit, Deputy Prime Minister of the Kingdom of Thailand

Dr Noeleen Heyzer, Under Secretary General of the United Nations and Executive Secretary of the UN - ESCAP

Venerable Sirs, Excellencies,

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is a great joy to be amongst you today as we celebrate the United Nations Day of Vesak, here in Bangkok. At the very outset, allow me to thank the Royal Thai Government, United Nations and the International Council for Day of Vesak, for the organization of this event, and also for the recognition given to this most important day in the Buddhist calendar.

As the year of the Two Thousand Six Hundredth (2600th) Sambhuddathwa Jayanthi, comes to an end, I am not here simply as the Head of State of my country, but as a proud custodian of a tradition that has been passed down from one leader to another for centuries – as a protector and promoter of the Buddha Sasana. This has been the sacred duty of every Sri Lankan leader since time immemorial. I am humbled by this historical responsibility.

It is with much appreciation that I recall here the historical role played by Thailand, our host today, throughout the centuries, to ensure the wellbeing of the Buddha Sasana. One such occasion was 259 years ago, when Upali Maha Thera from Thailand, arrived in the last kingdom of Sri Lanka, Kandy, in the year 1753 to reinstate the higher ordination of Upasampada. We in Sri Lanka and the Buddhist world at large owe a debt of gratitude to the Thai people for having preserved the sublime teachings of Sakyamuni Buddha in its purest form.

Venerable Sirs, Excellencies, ladies and gentlemen,

Buddha exhorted virtues of a righteous ruler, describing the Dasa Raja Dhamma or the ten-fold righteous rules of good governance as follows:

I quote in Pali:

“Danang Silang Pariccagang

Ajjavan Majjavan Thapang

Akkodho Avihim sa cha

Khanti cha Avirodhata’’ (unquote)

“A righteous ruler will be: generous and charitable, of high morality, willing to sacrifice, honest and of high integrity, Kind and gentle, having austerity in habits, practicing non-hatred and non-violence, patient and tolerant and showing non-enmity.”

Even as children we are taught that when a ruler of a land carries out his or her administration in accordance with the Dasa Raja Dhamma, or the ten-fold righteous rules of good governance, both the ruler and the ruled will prosper and be invincible. Through these noble virtues the Buddha has advised on an array of aspects of governance, in which are incorporated all the seemingly modern concepts of democracy, justice, human rights and the rule of law; those very values that we today perceive to be the foundations of a free and democratic society.

These teachings of the Buddha are relevant today as they were twenty six centuries ago. If the leaders of our modern world are to embrace this advice, many of today’s conflicts, both domestic and international, could be resolved for the benefit of mankind. Justice and the Rule of Law are not alien concepts for those of us who from our childhood are nurtured by the doctrine of Buddha. These are, therefore not concepts that need to be preached to the converted.

Venerable Sirs, Excellencies, Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sakyamuni Buddha declared the basics of human rights thousands of years ago. The only classification of human beings according to Buddha is based on the quality of their moral conduct.

The Buddha condemned the caste system and recognized the equality of people, spoke on the need to improve socio-economic conditions, recognized the importance of a more equitable distribution of wealth among the rich and the poor, enhanced the status of women, recommended the incorporation of humanism in government and administration, and thought that a society should not be run by greed but with consideration and compassion for the people.

As per the teachings of the Buddha, the differences among men are made not by birth or the labels that are given through chance or choice, be it race, religion, nationality or any other, but by deed, by what they do.

Buddha preached:

(I Quote)

Najachcha Vasalo Hothi

Najachcha Hothi Brahmano

Kammana Vasalo Hothi

Kammana Hothi Brahmano (unquote)

This means that:

“Not by birth is one an outcast, not by birth is one a Brahmana. By deed is one an outcast, by deed is one a Brahmana”.

As the world comes together in the contemporary era, driven by technology, economic integration and people to people contacts, we are also witnessing a simultaneous fragmentation of groups, attempting to differentiate themselves from the rest of humanity. Instead of diversity being celebrated and cherished to create broader solidarity of ethnic, religious and ideological differences, it has increasingly become a source of conflict.

Different nations, ethno-religious groups and communities are competing over land, economic resources and political space, destroying solidarity and the need to establish a sense of common humanity. Religion, unfortunately, is becoming one of the fundamental forces of this division. Instead of being a great unifier and a source of spiritual enrichment, organised religion is increasingly becoming a tool in the hands of extremists, to create divisions among fellow humans, and in extreme cases to invoke violence against other groups.

We, as Buddhists have a responsibility to arrest this dangerous development. We, in Sri Lanka take pride that different communities, following diverse religious faiths, have lived in harmony for many centuries. Even while separatist terrorists attempted to heighten religious sentiment through devastating attacks on places of most venerated religious worship, our people maintained their unity and harmony.

In 1987, terrorists massacred dozens of hapless and innocent pilgrims at the Jaya Sri Maha Bodhi, grown from a sapling of the sacred of the Ficus Religiosa tree under which Buddha attained enlightenment. These same terrorists killed 33 Buddhist monks in June 1987 in Aranthalawa, and over a hundred Muslim worshipers at Kattankudi, in 1990, both in Eastern Sri Lanka. In 1998, they bombed the Sri Dalada Maligawa, the Temple of the Sacred Tooth Relic, one of the most venerated Buddhist shrines in the world.

In August 2005, the terrorists also assassinated the then Foreign Minister of Sri Lanka, Lakshman Kadirgamar. I take a few moments to reflect on the enormous contribution made by the late Lakshman Kadirgamar for getting the Day of Vesak declared as a UN event, and his instrumental role in the passing of the UN Resolution in February 2000 that recognised Vesak as the most sacred day for Buddhists all over the world.

Yet through all these provocations, the people of Sri Lanka refused to be drawn into religious conflict. The age old tradition of respecting each other’s faiths prevailed over monstrous attempts by terrorists to sow the seeds of religious division.

The superiority of one individual or a group of people or community, therefore, is not through a particular divine right or by virtue of their birth, but by their actions. The manner in which one group conducts itself will determine whether it is worthy of a higher or lower label. Such words of wisdom are of paramount value in today’s context, where certain nations and groups have endeavoured to preach and lord over others by virtue of their given labels -- super power, regional power, economic power etc. It is by the conduct of these nations that they must be judged and be determined whether they are superior to another.

Venerable Sirs, Excellencies, Ladies and gentlemen,

As we celebrate the Day of Vesak, I wish to invoke that universal power of Metta or loving kindness, as approximately translated into the English language. The vice of anger and hatred that leads to many a conflict and heartache across the globe, can be subdued through the power of loving kindness.

Let us spread that message of peace to all corners of the globe, let the light of Buddhism shine and quell the darkness of ignorance, and,

May all beings be happy, and may the Noble Triple Gem Bless you all.

Thank you.

Buddha teaching Stop killing now

Namoamituofo. If We want to live longer and have the good health. The secret is giving true love to all animals. We are all part of the universe, the only difference is that we are more intelligent than them. Being more intelligent not mean we can bully these stupid one. Remember they do not want suffering also. If we kill them, our life will not go smoothly for sure but this statement only the awaken one and Buddhists, hindu or some other religion know. Do not kill them and we will be blessed. Because we never create fear for them, we will be ready live in peace. Do not kill animals mean giving peace for animals. This is the great contribution.Stop killing can lead us to have peaceful life, stop eating animals, we will be more healthy. All are one. We treat animals with compassion because we are all brothers, sisters. If we kill them, next life when we become animals, we will get killed. Why we want to kill them? We will be truly blessed if we adopt the buddha way of living-the pure and normal life style. Time to wake up and stop all suffering.
Buddha has many followers in this world because the teachings are ready peaceful. Not even one ant we can kill, Buddha just simply told us the reality of universe. Furthermore, Buddha told us to have enlightenment, we need to stop all desires and do not follow the abnormal ways that human beings do.
Yes, to go back to the original mindset, we need to learn how to attain it. 
Remember: To prevent get killed, we need to stop killing. With unconditional kindness to all type of animals, then we will be respected. If not, we have to pay back sooner and later, this is just the truth. Who know? Only the truly wise one know.

Buddha teaching Master Chin Kung in SriLanka Buddha talk

Master Chin Kung is now sharing his wisdom in the SriLanka girl school. Yes, Master Chin Kung had already reached SriLanka to give talk about Buddhism. Master Chin Kung was invited by SriLanka's President to give Buddha teaching for one month. I hope SriLanka can become the model peaceful country that all different group, different faiths can live harmoniously, happily. All help each others regardless of what races, religions....This not wealthy country stress the importance of quality life, simply and fulfilling life. that people have the happy, healthy life. Yes, SriLanka can bring hope to the whole world. I am now enjoying the live talk Singapore time 12pm to 2pm.From 29-May-2013 onwards, We have the golden chance to hear Master Chin Kung Buddha talk and great advice to all human beings. I personally will watch the live show at below link for one month. On 29 May 2013, Master chin kung told us how to have happy life. His own experiences is to have clean heart, eat vegetarian food and help others through sharing his thought of happy living. Master Chin Kung is now 87years old and these few days, he tirelessly give lectures to enlighten human beings 4hours everyday. Many people are benefiting from his teaching. Even Malaysia Prime Minister Najib Razak like to listen to his advice. Master Chin Kung united 9 religions in Singapore at year 2000. In year 2005, he spread  the  traditional teaching in his home town China Anhui province, within one year, people there became very cultured, good manners and the occurrence was presented in united nation. Now, he have sucessfully united many religions in Australia Toowoobai.   Today there is the live broadcast here Master Chin Kung in SriLarnka Buddha talk 

Buddha teaching: Peter Morrell on detachment

Peter Morrell is the good Buddhist and he knows the path of non-attachment or detachment. We can see his web link  Peter Morrell

Let's see some of Peter Morrell's view on non-attachment
Trying to be a good Buddhist in the modern world is not easy; there is much that conspires against one on every side. Out of all the various concepts of the Buddhist faith, only two or three really stand out as central and dominant. In this respect, I suppose impermanence, bliss and compassion stand out to me as being really central ideas, about which much else revolves peripherally. Karma and rebirth are both concepts Buddhism has taken from Hinduism.

 

It is hard to find one axiom within Buddhism that illustrates this fact so well, as that of non-attachment. It sums up the whole religion in so many ways and serves to illustrate the theme of how hard it is to be a good Buddhist. In recent days I have found myself increasingly contemplating how central and important non-attachment is, and have therefore chosen to write about it quite spontaneously as an abiding theme, which acts much like a key to many other aspects of Buddhist philosophy and its application to life.

 

‘Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.’ [1]

 

The starting point can be how difficult it is to be a good Buddhist. It is difficult for many reasons, but chief among them is the way most people view this world. To me, it is a fleeting thing, ever-changing and I am aware every day of its transient nature. Every day I think of death in general, danger and uncertainty, like that very day I could die, it could be my last. These are not idle dreams; they occur as serious thoughts all the time. I check my life for danger as I wake up; check myself over for symptoms of impending illness; check my mind for bad thoughts and review critically all my recent interests and activities to see if everything is OK. I check my motives for doing or saying things. I correct my wrongs and right any errors if I can. In this way I have become deeply habituated over many years now in following a certain inner path, a certain practice, if you like. It is a certain way of engaging with the world.

 

This daily practice of mine is entirely rooted in Buddhist principles. I would have it no other way. It is what passes for my religion and has been for over thirty years. I have no problem with it, have resolved myself to it and commit myself to it wholeheartedly. It has given me great pleasure and I have learned all I know about life, people and the world from its teachings. I feel as though I am firmly embedded in it, enveloped comfortably in it as a world view and would fey adopt any other set of ideas to live by.

 

It is difficult to be a Buddhist, chiefly because the rest of humanity does not approach life like this. Two overwhelming internal forces largely drive the rest of humanity: desire and hatred. Everything people do - virtually - can be reduced to these two strong impulses. Almost everything they say and do, most of the interests they pursue and most of their speech and activity are motivated by and absorbed into whom they like, what they like, and what they hate. Thus, they are strongly pulled towards what they like and repelled from what they hate. We are all like this. I include myself in this stream of people I am talking about. I do not exclude myself or raise myself up onto some morally superior holier-than-thou dais. I am much of the time just as absorbed by this as anyone else. Nevertheless, it is useful to know this and to carry this idea around with one inside every day. It leads to many insights almost on a daily basis and can lead one to moderate the excesses of one’s attractions and repulsions. It allows one to understand what one is looking at in the world.

 

We look at people and lament their selfishness, without realising that we are just the same. We lament their hating this and wanting that, without realising that we are just the same. Therefore, compassion and love arise from this awareness, as it pulls us all together as human beings. We are all selfish and hate this and want that; this is our nature. Knowing this gives us a great basis for forgiveness, love and compassion for just about anyone. Any ‘wrong’ people do is based upon desire or hate, and thus knowing that we all share these passions, make it easier to accept and forgive such ‘wrongs’. They can be distinguished only in their degree of wrongness, but they all share the same basis; thus no-one is more deserving of forgiveness, than anyone else. No ‘sin’ is worse than any other is: they all derive from the same desire and hate.

 

‘...it is said that as long as one is in cyclic existence, one is in the grip of some form of suffering.’ [2]

 

To know that we are all based in desire and hatred is to know humanity in all its strengths and weaknesses. It is true to say that you do not know someone very well until you know what they really like, what they most earnestly desire or hate. Moreover, it is true. For the most part, people are simple beings, driven mostly by these two forces. We want this and we don’t want that. That is how we move through life drifting towards one desire after another and away from one hatred to another. In this way, our life evolves [or stands still] and then we die. We experience pleasure and pain continuously in varying degrees and in varying forms, some coarse and some subtle, but that is the pattern of our lives, of everyone’s life. It is observably so and how things actually are. Buddhism is a religion based upon a profound view of how people actually are.

 

‘Non-attachment...views desire as faulty, thereby deliberately restraining desire...’ [3]

 

Yet to be a Buddhist is to cultivate detachment, a separation from all this, to view the world as less enticing and less permanent, to be detached from its pains as much as its pleasures. This is the fundamental essence of how a Buddhist lives, tasting the pleasures and pains infrequently, cultivating a sort of detachment as if you are holding the world at arms length slightly and looking askance at it. Buddhists can apprehend the general unsatisfactoriness of life. We can see that much work needs to be done on ourselves. The nature of the world cannot be changed, but the nature of ourselves can. That is where the work sits.

 

Like so many aspects of Buddhism, the view of non-attachment arises to some extent from the core experience of Buddha’s enlightenment. Like impermanence and bliss, non-attachment is a basic aspect of his experience. It can be seen as a part either of the fruit or a part of the path; or indeed, both. It is an aspect of both. It is an aspect of the Buddhist path to gaining enlightenment, and it is at the same time an aspect of the behaviour of a Buddha. It arises from the enlightenment experience, primarily as a reaction towards the nature of impermanence. Because things are impermanent, so it behoves one to deal with this fact. It is the way things are. Inescapably, this is how life is: nothing is permanent, everything changes and will disappear. Knowing this changes our perception of the world and the priorities we find in being here. One reaction, therefore, is to view the world somewhat sceptically, in a nonchalant and detached manner. Knowing that someone you love is going to die, changes your love for them somewhat. Knowing you will pass from this world, and never be seen again, inevitably changes your love for it; your attachment to it is correspondingly diminished by this knowledge. This forms one basis for non-attachment.

 

‘...when you have attachment to, for instance, material things, it is best to desist from that activity. It is taught that one should have few desires and have satisfaction - detachment - with respect to material things...’ [4]

 

Every day we see things we like, people we like, foods we like, and attractive things we would like to buy or share our lives with. To fill our lives with these things we love seems natural, but in truth, it is path to pain, and not to peace. If given complete freedom, we would most certainly get rid of certain things in our lives that we dislike, certain objects and certain people. We would shoo them all out of our lives, if we could, if we had the choice, because we do not like them. In addition, we would fill our lives with pleasant things, nice people, beautiful persons who we enjoy and who we like the look and feel of. This is what we would all do if only we could, if we had the chance and freedom. Instead, we suppress some of our great desires to remain socially acceptable and decent, and suppress also some of our aversions. In this way, we manage to remain in a socially acceptable bandwidth of normality and accepted conduct.

 

Those who do not accept these norms become deviants and criminals and come to occupy a subculture that has rejected the norms of society. >From a purely Buddhist perspective, that is a painful and unhappy path to follow, as it leads to misery and friction with others almost daily. If the aim of life is to become content and happy, then there are certain rules we must follow, one of them being to acknowledge the fundamental social nature of all human beings. Therefore, to turn your back on society inevitably leads to great pain and loneliness. This increases one’s suffering and that cannot be a good path to follow.

 

One attitude towards life is therefore to keep active desires and hatreds dampened down like fires, which could at any moment, and with only a few puffs, be suddenly set blazing up again. That is the nature of mind. This is how we are. It is how we behave. The Buddhist view is slightly different, as it is to work through this manifestly unsatisfactory way of living - of being little more than a slave to these impulses - and to try and become more detached, more neutral, less engaged with those alluring things we want, and less averse and enraged by the things we dislike.

 

‘...the sense of an object as being attractive, unattractive, or neutral...feelings of pleasure, pain, or neutrality arise. Due to such feelings, attachment develops, this being the attachment of not wanting to separate from pleasure and the attachment of wanting to separate from suffering...’ [5]

 

Non-attachment gives us the much-needed space to contemplate what we want and what we hate so as to more fully reflect upon whether these things we love or loathe will truly bring us the pain or pleasure we believe they contain. By reflecting in this way we can choose what to do and what not to do - it puts the brakes on to some degree. It is a path of abstention most of the time because it recognises the fundamental unattractiveness of most things. Excess pleasure leads to pain and thus on reflection there is little that is worth enjoying to excess. This is the dominant theme. Non-attachment can therefore be seen as the general antidote for all excesses and indulgences. It attempts to wake us up to the actual state of things and provides us with a kind of barrier to place between ourselves and the world we engage with. It dampens our drives and cools our passions in order to reflect on what is or is not a good path to follow. It forces us to contemplate the probable consequences inherent in every action we are considering. Overall, Buddhists wish to choose actions that will increase happiness for all and reduce suffering for all. Actions, words and thoughts can therefore be graded into those that increase happiness and those that do not. Those that do not are either neutral or they are harmful to self or others.

 

‘...the mental factor of desire...accompanies the perception of an attractive object...’ [6]

 

The Buddhist view is to try to dampen and work through our innate urges. It is to build a more peaceful inner world, that does not indulge these selfish impulses, but which constructs a more compassionate viewpoint, a still centre. Over the last ten or 15 years I have become accustomed to this approach and it amazes me some days how successful I have become in cultivating this detachment and I have set up sort of internal alarm systems to stop me going beyond certain limits with food, drink and the alluring things of the world. It is hard work and boring work, but it is a task I have set myself, which has now become entrenched. What alternative is there? There is no other method of restraining these impulses and restrained they must be, if we wish to achieve some modicum of spirituality.

 

It is useful work and hard work, but one must be ever watchful in the hope that one dies a better person, that one can look back at ones life and remind oneself how there have been certain improvements and that one has become a better person, a more detached, more controlled and more compassionate person. My aim is to die peacefully and to truly regard my life in its entire vicissitudes, and see it as successful in this sense of it being better than it was and that I die a more rested and more contented person than I was before. I hope that is the case and wish it to be so. I take daily action to build that type of future for myself. I call that a Buddhist path and so I would call myself a Buddhist, one who tries constantly to be kind and happy, to be restful and contented as far as is possible, and also to look back at the many positive things I have done and to truly know that I have improved and become a better person. A better person with fewer desires, with less hatred and filled with more compassion, more peace, more love and more contentment than I had before.

 

If I can measure my life at all, this is how I would choose to measure it. Moreover, what progress there has been, if any, I would measure precisely in those terms. If I am less desirous, more contented, less hateful, more loving, more peaceful, more contented, then I can die happy. That is the nature of non-attachment, a path worth cultivating. In terms of being selfish or being kind, I would say I am kinder. In terms of being more loving, I would say I have moved a long way. I am much more compassionate than I ever was. In terms of anger, I have done much work, and can truthfully say that I rarely get angry and try to remove the poison of anger from my mind and my life. In terms of hatred, I have worked hard to purge it from my life. I feel lucky to never have been a very hateful person; unforgiving at times, but not hateful. In terms of desire, I have made some limited progress, though I would be a liar if I said I desire nothing. Much work needs to be done on this, but some discernible progress has been made. Thus, in all these ways, I do consider myself to be a good Buddhist, and to have successfully cultivated a form of non-attachment in my life, which works for me.

 

In all these ways, I therefore do view this world with little real interest. I am detached much of the time. I do know that I will one day die, and though I do not wish it, I have come to accept it. I try to see every day as my last. Every day I try to be kinder and more compassionate and to play down the negative forces within me. Every day I try to be a better person and to be less desiring, less hating, less judging of others and to feel myself closer to humanity as a whole, and all living things. This is the way I have chosen to live. I do consider it to be a religious life, a good life and a life worth living. In small ways, I do believe it has been successful.

 

Sources

[1] The Dalai Lama at Harvard, 1988, Snow Lion USA, p.37

[2] ibid., p.48

[3] ibid., p.76

[4] ibid., p.153

[5] ibid., pp.86-7

[6] Geshe Lhundup Sopa & Jeffrey Hopkins, Cutting through Appearances: Practice and Theory of Tibetan Buddhism, 1989, Snow Lion, USA, p.188

Nirvana Buddha teaching

Nirvana is the extremely important word for Buddhists. Because the ultimate aim for Buddhists is to attain Nirvana. That's why we need to know the meaning of Nirvana in the first place. If we search Nirvana from Internet, we can see something like Nirvana memorial services or Nirvana rock music, these companies are using Nirvana for their companies' name. Let's type Nirvana for its meaning. The meanings are as follow:

A transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of... Liberation of the soul from the effects of karma and from bodily existence. From the on line dictionary, its definitions are as follow:   Nirvana is a place of perfect peace and happiness, like heaven. In Hinduism and Buddhism, nirvana is the highest state that someone can attain, a state of enlightenment, meaning a person's individual desires and suffering go away. The origin of the word nirvana relates to religious enlightenment; it comes from the Sanskrit meaning "extinction, disappearance" of the individual to the universal. Achieving nirvana is to make earthly feelings like suffering and desire disappear. It's often used casually to mean any place of happiness, like if you love chocolate, going to Hershey's Park would be nirvana. On the other hand, if you're a Buddhist monk, it may take you years of meditating to reach nirvana. If we think that a Buddhist has attain Nirvana is something going to heaven, this is completely wrong because heaven is one of the Incarnation cycle, this is not complete. Nirvana is beyond than that, it is out of the incarnation cycle. Nirvana Nirvana is the most misunderstood term in Buddhism. Those in the West recognise the term as meaning Heaven, or a Heaven on Earth, or perhaps a famous rock band. The Buddha described Nirvana as the ultimate goal, and he reached that state during his enlightenment. At this point, he chose to teach others so that they might also experience this realisation, and so when he died, forty-five years later, he then passed through pari nirvana, meaning completed nirvana. Nirvana literally means extinguishing or unbinding. The implication is that it is freedom from what ever binds you, from the burning passion of desire, jealousy, and ignorance. Once these are totally overcome, a state of bliss is achieved, and there is no longer the need the cycle of birth and death. All karmic debts are settled. The Buddha refused to be drawn on what occurred then, but implied that it was beyond word and without boundaries. Certainly, he saw it in a much different state than our current existence, and not a simple parallel to the process of individual rebirth. Let's learn something about birth. Rebirth In the process of becoming enlightened, the Buddha is said to have recognised all his previous lives. At the same time, he also said that nothing from one life goes on to the next. Quite a paradox really! Buddhists understand life as samsara, meaning perpetual wandering, and describe the transition like a billiard ball hitting another billiard ball. While nothing physical transfers, the speed and direction of the second ball relate directly to the first. So the term most often used is rebirth, rather than reincarnation. Reincarnation implies the transfer of an essence, or a soul, while rebirth follows the law of causality, or dependant origination, where this arises because of circumstances which happened before. A primary aim of Buddhism is to break free of the wheel of samsara, and to reach a new level called Nirvana. Thanks for the information from Buddha teaching site Nirvana

Buddha teaching on marriage

Buddha teaching on marriage. How to have happy marriage life? Now is the time to understanding the Buddha teaching on marriage. For Buddhists, most of them have families, children, few of Buddhists become monks or nans for spreading the wisdom teaching of the Buddha. How to have the happy marriage life, it is good to know. Buddha told us to live happily with the highest wisdom. That mean Buddhists must be able to live harmoniously with all mankind. Beside constantly purify our mind, Buddhists will be able to live harmoniously with all including non-human. Yes, Buddhism is the highest philosophy that can help us solve many problems in life. I have come across the article about Buddha teaching on marriage on Internet. I think it is good to share with readers. The link is here Buddha teaching on marriage . To let readers to have the knowledge on Buddha teaching on marriage, let's see some of the contents as follow. From time immemorial, man has been preoccupied with the pursuit of happiness in life, from the cradle to the grave. He works and struggles very hard to attain happiness, very often without knowing exactly what happiness means because of his ignorance of the nature of life. Although all religions provide advice and guidelines for their adherents to practice in order to attain happiness in life, more often than not, these advices and guidelines are ignored owing to man's craving, hatred and illusion. Many people who experienced frustrations and sufferings hope and pray to find happiness for present life and here after; others, though enjoying a large measure of happiness on earth, are still not contented and crave for eternal bliss in heaven after leaving this world. For the ordinary man, as for the child, it is difficult to make a distinction between happiness and pleasure. To him, that which gives pleasure give happiness, and to be happy is to experience pleasure.
Very often, we consider childhood days to be a period of happiness. In reality, as children we do not understand what happiness is. Under the protection of our parents, we pass our days in a perpetual round of enjoyment which undoubtedly gives us pleasure. As we enter adolescence, changes take place in the mind and physical body causing us to become aware of the existence of the opposite sex and we begin to experience a new kind of attraction giving rise to disturbing emotions. At the same time, curiosity drives us to find out about the facts of life, through peer discussion and book reading. Before long, we find ourselves on the threshold of adulthood, the crucial time in our life when we look for a suitable life-partner to begin a relationship that will put to the test all the qualities that we have acquired earlier in life. Love, sex, and marriage then become matters of great importance that will determine the quality of the married life we will have.
Young people today are exposed to a large variety of "Western" influences which are disseminated through the mass media such as books and magazines, television, video cassettes and movies, resulting in the acquisition of distorted ideas regarding love, sex, and marriage. The age-old "Eastern" moral virtues and values are being gradually eroded in the face of these influences. Practices unheard of and never carried out by the older generation have become common place among young people today. Are the "Western" influences really responsible for this state of affairs or should the parents be blamed for the misdeeds of their children for not exercising proper control and supervision over them? In this book, it is explained that most television programs and movies do not represent the way most decent people in the West think or behave and that there is a vast "silent majority" of decent couples who are as deeply religious and "conservative" about love, sex and marriage as any "Eastern" couple. If young people want to ape the West, they are advised to ape this "silent majority" who are no different from their decent neighbor who lives next door to them.
Modern life is fraught with all kinds of tension and stress. Doubtless, very often it is tension and stress that creates problems in many a marriage. If a proper analysis is made into the root causes of such social problems as pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancies, unhappy marriages and divorces, child-abuse and wife-battering, we inevitably discover that it is due mainly to selfishness and lack of patience, tolerance and mutual understanding. In the Sigalovada Sutta, the Buddha gives good advice on how to maintain peace and harmony in the home between husband and wife in order to achieve a happy married life. Parental responsibilities for children and the children's duties toward parents are also clearly mentioned in the Sutta as useful guidelines for the attainment of a happy home. In this book, the Ven. Author stresses the important point that marriage is a partnership of two individuals and that this partnership is enriched and enhanced when it allows the personalities involved to grow. In the Buddhist perspective, marriage means understanding and respecting each other's beliefs and privacy. The present time is most opportune for a book of this nature to be published to provide the followers of the Buddhist religion, in particular the young, with a clear understanding of life's important matters like love, sex and marriage which will not only help them to live a happy married life but also assist them to lead peaceful and contented lives.
On behalf of the Buddhist Missionary Society I wish to express our sincere gratitude and appreciation to many of our devoted members for all the help and services rendered in the preparation of this book. Our special thanks are due to: Mr. Vijaya Samarawickrama for undertaking the editorial work, Mr. Teh Thean Choo, Miss Quah Pin Pin and Mrs. Chong Hong Choo for their valuable assistance and Mr. Paw Oo Thett of Burma for the cover design.

Tan Teik Beng
JSM, SMS, KMN, PKT
Vice President, Buddhist Missionary Society
Former Director, Department of Education, Selangor.
20 December 1986

Introduction   

From the Buddhist point of view, marriage is neither holy nor unholy. Buddhism does not regard marriage as a religious duty nor as a sacrament that is ordained in heaven. A cynic has said that while some people believe that marriage is planned in heaven, others say that it is recorded in hell also! Marriage is basically a personal and social obligation, it is not compulsory. Man and woman must have freedom either to get married or to remain single. This does not mean that Buddhism is against marriage. Nobody in this world would say that marriage is bad and there is no religion which is against marriage.
Practically all living things come into being as a result of sex life. Among human beings, the institution of marriage has come about so that society guarantees the perpetuation of the human species and also ensures that the young would be cared for. This is based on the argument that children born through the pleasure of sex must be the responsibility of the partners involved, at least until they have grown up. And marriage ensures that this responsibility is upheld and carried out.
A society grows through a network of relationships which are mutually inter-twined and inter-dependent. Every relationship is a whole-hearted commitment to support and to protect others in a group or community. Marriage plays a very important part in this strong web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse, from true loyalty and not just sheer indulgence. The institution of marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals to be nurtured and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role, giving strength and moral courage to one another, each manifesting a supportive and appreciative recognition of the other's skill in caring and providing for a family. There must be no thought of either man or woman being superior — each is complementary to the other; marriage is a partnership of equality, gentleness, generosity, calm and dedication.
In Buddhism, one can find all the necessary advice which can help one to lead a happy married life. One should not neglect the advice given by the Enlightened Teacher if one really wants to lead a happy married life. In His discourses, the Buddha gave various kinds of advice for married couples and for those who are contemplating marriage. The Buddha has said, "If a man can find a suitable and understanding wife and a woman can find a suitable and understanding husband, both are fortunate indeed."

2. The Nature of Love and Pleasure   

Love

There are different kinds of love, and these are variously expressed as motherly love, brotherly love, sensual love, emotional love, sexual love, selfish love, selfless love, and universal love.
If people develop only their carnal or selfish love towards each other, that type of love cannot last long. In a true love relationship, one should not ask how much one can get, but how much one can give.
When beauty, complexion and youth start to fade away, a husband who considers only the physical aspects of love may think of acquiring another young one. That type of love is animal love or lust. If a man really develops love as an expression of human concern for another being, he will not lay emphasis only on the external beauty and physical attractiveness of his partner. The beauty and attractiveness of his partner should be in his heart and mind, not in what he sees. Likewise, the wife who follows Buddhist teachings will never neglect her husband even though he has become old, poor or sick.

"I have a fear that the modern girl loves to be Juliet, to have a dozen Romeos. She loves adventure . . . . . The modern girl dresses not to protect herself from wind, rain and sun, but to attract attention. She improves upon nature by painting herself and looking extraordinary."

— Gandhi

Sex

Sex by itself is not "evil," although the temptation and craving for it invariably disturbs the peace of mind, and hence is not conducive to spiritual development.
In the ideal situation, sex is the physical culmination of a deeply satisfying emotional relationship, where both partners give and take equally.
The portrayal of love by commercial groups through the mass media in what we call "western" culture is not "real" love. When an animal wants to have sex, it shows its "love," but after having experienced sex, it just forgets about love. For animals, sex is just an instinctive drive necessary for procreation. But a human being has much more to offer in the concept of love. Duties and responsibilities are important ingredients to maintain unity, harmony and understanding in a relationship between human beings.
Sex is not the most important ingredient for happiness in a married life. Those who have become slaves to sex would only ruin love and humanity in marriage. Apart from that, a woman must cease to consider herself as the object of a man's lust. The remedy is more in her hand than in a man's. She must refuse to adorn herself simply to please a man, even if he is her husband. If she wants to be an equal partner with a man, she should dress so that her dignity is enhanced, and she does not become a sex symbol. Marriage for the satisfaction of the sexual appetite is no marriage. It is concupiscence. (Gandhi)
Love may indeed be a product of sex, but the reverse is likewise true: sex is an expression of love. In the ideally happy married life, both love and sex are inseparable.

The Buddha's Explanation

We can study the Buddha's teaching regarding the feelings that man and woman have for each other. The Buddha says that he had never seen any object in this world which attracts man's attention more than the figure of a woman. At the same time the main attraction for the woman is the figure of a man. It means that by nature, woman and man give each other worldly pleasure. They cannot gain happiness of this kind from any other object. When we observe very carefully, we notice that among all the things which provide pleasure, there is no other object that can please all the five senses at the same time beside the male and female figures.
The ancient Greeks knew this when they said that originally man and woman were one. They were separated and the two parts that were divided are constantly seeking to be re-united as man and woman.

Pleasure

Young people by nature like to indulge in worldly pleasures which can include both good and bad things. Good things, like the enjoyment of music, poetry, dance, good food, dress and similar pursuits do no harm to the body. They only distract us from seeing the fleeting nature and uncertainty of existence and thereby delay our being able to perceive the true nature of the self.
The faculties and senses of young people are very fresh and alert; they are very keen to satisfy all the five senses. Almost everyday, they plan and think out ways and means to experience some form of pleasure. By the very nature of existence, one will never be completely satisfied with whatever pleasure one experiences and the resultant craving in turn only creates more anxieties and worries.
When we think deeply about it, we can understand that life is nothing but a dream. In the end, what do we gain from attachment to this life? Only more worries, disappointments and frustrations. We may have enjoyed brief moments of pleasure, but in the final analysis, we must try to find out what the real purpose of our lives is.
When one ceases to crave for sensual pleasure and does not seek to find physical comfort in the company of others, the need for marriage does not arise. Suffering and worldly enjoyment are both the outcome of craving, attachment and emotion. If we try to control and suppress our emotions by adopting unrealistic tactics we create disturbances in our mind and in our physical body. Therefore we must know how to handle and control our human passion. Without abusing or misusing this passion, we can tame our desires through proper understanding.

3. The Reality of Married Life   

John J. Robinson in his book Of Suchness gives the following advice on love, sex and married life. "Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it's heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the most bitter things in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much. This is especially true if one drinks and get befuddled; the most lousy slut in a dark bar can look like a Venus then, and her charms become irresistible. Love is much more than sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up."

Problems

Almost everyday we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated and people must remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or experienced hitherto.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by minimizing whatever differences they may have between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.

Sharing and Trust

One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.
Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealously, jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they will have to face. They must have the strong will power to reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will give them confidence to live together with better understanding.
Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another's burden.

Blinded by Emotions

When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of each other's natures.
In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the other, and being so engrossed in love, they tend to accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardize their chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their partner's faults thinking that they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love will conquer all."
However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off, the true nature of each other's character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion sets in.

Material Needs

Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet your material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the window." This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage work. However, if one has the basic necessities of life provided through a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.
The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing life partnership.

Pre-marriage Advice

The Anguttara Nikaya contains some valuable advice which the Buddha gave to young girls prior to their marriage. Realizing that there could be difficulties with the new in-laws, the girls were enjoined to give every respect to their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, serving them lovingly as their own parents. They were expected to honor and respect their husband's relatives and friends, thus creating a congenial and happy atmosphere in their new homes.
They were also advised to study and understand their husbands' natures, ascertain their activities, characters and temperaments, and to be useful and cooperative at all times in their new homes. They should be polite, kind and watchful of their husbands' earnings and see to it that all household expenditures were properly administered. The advice given by the Buddha more than twenty five centuries ago is still valid even today.

4. The Buddhist Concept of Marriage   

In view of what has been said about "birth and suffering," some people have criticized Buddhism saying that is against married life. They are wrong. The Buddha never spoke against married life. However, he pointed out all the problems, difficulties and worries that people would have to face when they take on the responsibility of marriage. Just because he warned one against problems in marriage does not mean that the Buddha condemned marriage.
The act of marriage itself implies that a person is still more attached to the physical world and since our mental faculties are influenced by craving, attachment and human emotions, it is but natural that problems would arise. This happens when we have to consider the need of others and to give in to what others need.

Role of Religion

A deep analysis of the nature of self is important to help us to understand the origin of our problems, worries, miseries and how to overcome them. Here, religious advice is important for maintaining a tranquil life. However, a man should not become a slave to any religion. Man is not for religion, religion is for man. That means man must know how to make use of religion for his betterment and for his happiness in a respectable way. Simply by following certain religious vows, precepts or commandments with blind faith or by force, thinking that we are duty-bound to observe them will not develop proper understanding.
One important aspect of Buddhism is that the Buddha did not impose any religious laws or commandments. The Buddha was a unique teacher who had set out a number of disciplinary codes for us to uphold according to our way of life. Those who follow the precepts observe them voluntarily but not as obligatory religious laws. It is up to us to follow the advice through our own understanding and experience of what is good for us and for others. Through trial and error, we will learn to follow the advice which will give us just peace and happiness.
One should try to understand the nature of the worldly life. By knowing that you have to face problems, you will be able to strengthen your mind and be more prepared to face the problems that could arise if you get married. Religion is important to help you overcome your problems. Whatever you learned about religious principle when you were young can be adopted to avoid misunderstanding, disappointment and frustration. At the same time, certain good qualities such as patience and understanding which we learned through religion are important assets to help us to lead a peaceful married life.
Normally, it is due to a lack of mutual understanding that many married couples lead miserable lives. The result of this is that their innocent children also have to suffer. It is better to know how to handle your problems in order to lead a happy married life. Religion can help you to do this.

5. The Religious Dilemma   

Individual Rights

One of the causes of greatest concern among those who do not belong to the non-semitic religions is the problem of conversion before marriage. While Buddhists and Hindus never demand that a couple must belong to the same religion before a marriage can be solemnized, many others tend to take advantage of this tolerance.
Marriage, contrary to what many romantic novels say, does not mean the total and absolute merging of two people to the extent that each loses his or her own identity. When a religion demands that both partners must have the same religious label, it denies the basic human right of an individual to believe what he or she wants. Societies throughout history have proved that "Unity in Diversity" is not only possible but desirable. Out of diversity comes greater respect and understanding. This should apply to marriage also. There are many living examples all over the world where the husband and wife maintain their own beliefs and yet are able to maintain their happy married life without confronting each other.
Buddhists do not oppose the existence of other religions even within the same household. Unfortunately this generous attitude has been exploited by unscrupulous religionists who are out to gain converts by all means.
Intelligent Buddhists must be aware of this stratagem. No self-respecting intelligent human being who really understands what he believes according to his own conviction should give up his beliefs merely to satisfy the man-made demands of another religion. Buddhists do not demand that their partners embrace Buddhism. Neither should they surrender their own beliefs.

Post-marriage Blues

When young people are in love, they are prepared to make many sacrifices so long as they can get married. But after a few years, when the real task of building a successful marriage begins, frustrations begin to set in. When a partner who had given up his deep-seated religious beliefs for "love" begins to regret having done so, unnecessary misunderstandings arise. These provide added tensions at a period when there is boredom in a marriage. There will be quarrels. And normally, one of the main causes of these quarrels will be the question of which religion the children should belong to.
Therefore, it is most important for one to know that if there is a process of conversion involved, it must be based on true conviction and not mere convenience or compulsion. Buddhists maintain the freedom of the individual to choose. This principle should be respected by all.

The Ceremony

There is no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a marriage. Buddhism recognizes the traditions and cultures practiced by people in different countries. Hence, Buddhist religious ceremonies differ from one country to another.
In general practice, a religious service for blessing and to give advice to the couple is customarily performed either in the temple or at home to give a greater significance to the marriage. Nowadays, in many countries, besides the blessing service, religious organizations also have been given the authority to solemnize and register marriages together with the issuance of legal marriage certificates.
By and large, the most important point is that the couple should be utterly sincere in their intention to cooperate with and understand each other not only during times of happiness but also whenever they face difficulties.

6. Security, Respect and Responsibilities   

Sense of Insecurity

In the past, there was no such thing as a legal registration of marriages. A man and woman mutually decided to accept each other as husband and wife and thereafter they lived together. Their marriage was carried out in the presence of the community, and separation was rare. The most Important thing was that they developed real love and respected their mutual responsibilities.
A legal registration of marriage is important today to ensure security and to safeguard property and children. Due to the sense of insecurity, a couple performs legal marriages to ensure that they are legally bound not to neglect their duties and not to ill-treat each other. Today, some couples even draw up a legal contract on what would happen to their property if they are divorced!

Husband and Wife

According to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:

• — love
• — attentiveness
• — family obligations
• — faithfulness
• — child-care
• — thrift
• — the provision of meals
• — to calm him down when he is upset
• — sweetness in everything

In return, the wife's expectation from husband is:

• — tenderness
• — courtesy
• — sociability
• — security
• — fairness
• — loyalty
• — honesty
• — good companionship
• — moral support

Apart from these emotional and sensual aspects, the couple will have to take care of day-to-day living conditions, family budget and social obligations. Thus, mutual consultations between the husband and wife on all family problems would help to create an atmosphere of trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that may arise.

The Buddha's Advice to a Couple

I. The Wife

In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained a good number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha counseled that a wife should:

• a) not harbor evil thoughts against her husband;
• b) not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
• c) not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
• d) guard and save her husband's hard-earned earnings and property;
• e) always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
• f) be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous acts;
• g) be refined in speech and polite in action;
• h) be kind, industrious and hardworking;
• i) be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband, and her attitude should equate that of a mother's love and concern for the protection of her only son;
• j) be modest and respectful;
• k) be cool, calm and understanding — serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.

In the days of the Buddha, other religious teachers also spoke on the duties and obligations of a wife towards her husband — stressing particularly on the duty of a wife bearing an off-spring for the husband, rendering faithful service and providing conjugal happiness.
Some communities are very particular about having a son in the family. They believe that a son is necessary to perform their funeral rites so that their after-life will be a good one. The failure to get a son from the first wife, gives a man the liberty to have another wife in order to get a son. Buddhism does not support this belief.
According to what the Buddha taught about the law of Karma, one is responsible for one's own action and its consequences. Whether a son or a daughter is born is determined not by a father or mother but the karma of the child. And the well-being of a father or grandfather does not depend upon the action of the son or grandson. Each is responsible for his own actions. So, it is wrong for men to blame their wives or for a man to feel inadequate when a son is not born. Such Enlightened Teachings help to correct the views of many people and naturally reduce the anxiety of women who are unable to produce sons to perform the "rites of the ancestors."
Although the duties of a wife towards the husband were laid down in the Confucian code of discipline, it did not stress the duties and obligations of the husband towards the wife. In the Sigalovada Sutta, however, the Buddha clearly mentioned the duties of a husband towards the wife and vice versa.

II. The Husband

The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife declared that the husband should always honor and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries ago, still stands good for today.
Knowing the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself superior, the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the status of a woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should honor and respect his wife. A husband should be faithful to his wife, which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations to his wife thus sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the word. The husband, being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered as the keeper and the distributor of the property and the home economic-administrator. The provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's love, care and attention showered on the wife. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time immemorial in Buddhist communities. Unfortunately it is in danger of dying out because of the influence of modern civilization.

The Past

In the past, since the social structure of most communities was different from that we find today, a husband and wife were interdependent on each other. There was mutual understanding, and the relationship was stable because each knew exactly what his or her role was in the partnership. The "love" that some husbands and wives try to show others by embracing each other in public does not necessarily indicate true love or understanding. In the past, although married couples did not express their love or inner feeling publicly, they had a deep even unspoken understanding and mutual respect for each other.
The ancient customs which people had in certain countries that the wife must sacrifice her life after her husband's death and also the custom which prevents a widow from remarrying is foreign to Buddhism. Buddhism does not regard a wife as being inferior to a husband.

Modern Society

Some women feel that for them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is degrading and conservative. It is true that in the past women had been treated very badly, but this was due more to the ignorance on the part of men than the inherent weakness in the concept of depending on women to bring up children.
Women have been struggling for ages to gain equality with men in the field of education, the professions, politics and other avenues. They are now at par with men to a great extent. The male generally tends to be aggressive by nature and the female more emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly in the East, the male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female tends to remain as passive partner. Please remember, "passive" here does not mean "weak." Rather it is a positive quality of "softness" and "gentleness." If man and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited from nature and recognize their respective strengths, then, that attitude can contribute towards a congenial mutual understanding between the sexes.
Gandhi's remarks:

"I believe in the proper education of woman. But I do believe that woman will not make her contribution to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking man. She has to be the complement of man."

Parental Responsibilities

The basis of all human society is the intricate relationship between parent and child. A mother's duty is to love, care and protect the child, even at extreme cost. This is the self-sacrificing love that the Buddha taught. It is practical, caring and generous and it is selfless. Buddhists are taught that parents should care for the child as the earth cares for all the plants and creatures.
Parents are responsible for the well-being and up-bringing of their children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the result of parents' efforts. If the child grows up to be a delinquent, parents must bear the responsibility. One must not blame others or society if children go astray. It is the duty of parent to guide children on the proper path.
A child, at its most impressionable age, needs the tender love, care and attention of parents. Without parental love and guidance, a child will be handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in. However, showering parental love, care and attention does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would spoil the child. The mother, in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict and firm in handling the tantrums of a child. Being strict and firm does not mean being harsh to the child. Show your love, but temper it with a disciplined hand — the child will understand.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for equality have resulted in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather than remaining at home tending to their off-spring. The children, left to the care of relations or paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention, tries to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands from the child. Such an action spoils the child. Providing the child with all sorts of modern toys such as tanks, machine guns, pistols, swords and such like equipment as an appeasement is not psychologically good.
Loading a child with such toys is no substitute for a mother's tender love and affections. Devoid of parental affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows up to be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up a wayward child? The parents of course! The working mother, especially after a hard day's work in an office to be followed by household chores, can hardly find time for the child that is yearning for her care and attention.
Parents who have no time for their children should not complain when these same children have no time for them when they are old. Parents who claim that they spend a lot of money on their children but are too busy should not complain when their "busy" children in turn leave them in expensive Homes for the Aged!
Most women work today so that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They should seriously consider Gandhi's advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather than freedom from need. Of course, given today's economic set-up we cannot deny that some mothers are forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make extra sacrifices of their time to compensate for what their children miss when they are away. If both parents spend their non-working hours at home with their children, there will be greater understanding between parents and children.
In his discourses, the Buddha has listed certain primary duties and functions as essential guidelines for parents to observe. One of the primary guidelines is, by precept, practice and action, to lead the children away from things that are evil and through gentle persuasion, to guide them to do all that is good for the family, for society and for the country. In this connection, parents would have to exercise great care in dealing with their children. It is not what the parents profess but what they really are and do, that the child absorbs unconsciously and lovingly. The child's entry to the world is molded by emulating parental behavior. It follows that good begets good and evil begets evil. Parents who spend much time with their children will subtly transmit their characteristics to their offspring.

Duties of Parents

It is the duty of parents to see to the welfare of their children. In fact the dutiful and loving parents shoulder the responsibilities with pleasure. To lead children on the right path, parents should first set the example and lead ideal lives. It is almost impossible to expect worthy children from unworthy parents. Apart from the Karmic tendencies children inherit from previous births, they invariably inherit the defects and virtues of parents too. Responsible parents should take every precaution not to transmit undesirable tendencies to their progeny.
According to the Sigalovada Sutta, there are five duties that should be performed by parents:

1. The first duty is to dissuade children from evil

Home is the first school, and parents are the first teachers. Children usually take elementary lessons in good and evil from their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly impart an elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering, revenge, shamelessness and fearlessness for evil and immoral activities to their children during childhood days.
Parents should show exemplary conduct and should not transmit such vices into their children's impressionable minds.

2. The second duty is to persuade them to do good

Parents are the teachers at home; teachers are the parents in school. Both parents and teachers are responsible for the future well-being of the children, who become what they are made into. They are, and they will be, what the adults are. They sit at the feet of the adults during their impressionable age. They imbibe what they impart. They follow in their footsteps. They are influenced by their thoughts, words and deeds. As such it is the duty of the parents to create the most congenial atmosphere both at home and in the school.
Simplicity, obedience, cooperation, unity, courage, self-sacrifice, honesty, straightforwardness, service, self-reliance, kindness, thrift, contentment, good manners, religious zeal and other kindred virtues should be inculcated in their juvenile minds by degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually grow into fruit-laden trees.

3. The third duty is to give the children a good education

A decent education is the best legacy that parents can bequeath to their children. A more valuable treasure there is not. It is the best blessing that parents could confer on their children.
Education should be imparted to them, preferably from youth, in a religious atmosphere. This has far-reaching effects on their lives.

4. The fourth duty is to see that they are married to suitable individuals

Marriage is a solemn act that pertains to the whole lifetime; this union should be one that cannot be dissolved easily. Hence, marriage has to be viewed from every angle and in all its aspects to the satisfaction of all parties before the wedding.
According to Buddhist culture, duty supersedes rights. Let both parties be not adamant, but use their wise discretion and come to an amicable settlement. Otherwise, there will be mutual cursing and other repercussions. More often than not the infection is transmitted to progeny as well.

5. The last duty is to hand over to them, at the proper time, their inheritance

Parents not only love and tend their children as long as they are still in their custody, but also make preparations for their future comfort and happiness. They hoard up treasures at personal discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their children.

The Religion of Compassion

Buddhism is the religion of compassion, and the parents should never forget to present it to the children as such. The Buddha taught the Dhamma out of compassion for the world. Parents should practice the "Four Sublime States of Mind" taught by the Buddha in raising their children. They are:

• Metta — loving kindness or goodwill
• Karuna — compassion
• Mudita — sympathetic joy
• Upekkha — equanimity or "even-mindedness"

These four states, well practiced will help parents remain calm throughout the difficult period of child-rearing.
This is the right or ideal way of conduct towards living beings. These four attitudes of mind provide the framework for all situations arising from social contact. They are the great removers of tension, the great peacemakers in social conflict, the great healers of wounds suffered in the struggle for existence; levelers of social barriers, builders of harmonious communities, awakeners of slumbering magnanimity long forgotten, revivers of joy and hope long abandoned, promoters of human brotherhood against the forces of egotism.
Perhaps the greatest challenge that a married couple has to face is the proper upbringing of a child. This is another aspect which distinguishes us from animals. While an animal does care for its offspring with great devotion, a human parent has a greater responsibility, which is the nurturing of the mind. The Buddha has said that the greatest challenge a man faces is to tame the mind. Ever since a child is born, from infancy through adolescence to maturity, a parent is primarily responsible for the development of a child's mind. Whether a person becomes a useful citizen or not depends mainly on the extent to which its mind has been developed. In Buddhism, a good parent can practice four great virtues to sustain him or her and to overcome the great frustrations which are so closely related with parenthood.
When a child is yet a toddler, unable to express its needs, it is quite prone to indulge in tantrums and crying. A parent who practices the first virtue of loving kindness can maintain peace within herself or himself to continue to love the child while it is being so difficult. A child who enjoys the effects of this loving kindness will himself learn to radiate it spontaneously.
As the child becomes more mature as an adolescent, parents should practice karuna or Compassion towards him. Adolescence is a very difficult time for children. They are coming to terms with adulthood and therefore are rebellious, with a great deal of their anger and frustrations directed at their parents. With the practice of Compassion, parents will understand that this rebelliousness is a natural part of growing up and that children do not mean to hurt their parents willfully. A child who has enjoyed loving kindness and compassion will himself become a better person. Having not had hate directed at him, he will only radiate love and compassion towards others.
Just before he becomes an adult, a child will probably meet with some success in examinations and other activities outside the home. This is the time for parents to practice sympathetic joy. Too many parents in modern society use their children to compete with their associates. They want their children to do well for selfish reasons; it is all because they want others to think well of them. By practicing sympathetic joy, a parent will rejoice in the success and happiness of his or her child with no ulterior motive. He is happy simply because his child is happy! A child who has been exposed to the effects of sympathetic joy will himself become a person who does not envy others and who is not overly competitive. Such a person will have no room in his heart for selfishness, greed or hatred.
When a child has reached adulthood and has a career and family of his own, his parents should practice the last great virtue of equanimity (upekkha). This is one of the most difficult things for Asian parents to practice. It is hard for them to allow their children to become independent in their own right. When parents practice equanimity, they will not interfere with the affairs of their children and not be selfish in demanding more time and attention than the children can give. Young adults in the modern society have many problems. An understanding parent of a young couple should not impose extra burdens by making unnecessary demands on them. Most importantly, elderly parents should try not to make their married children feel guilty by making them feel that they have neglected their filial obligations. If parents practice equanimity they will remain serene in their old age and thereby earn the respect of the younger generation.
When parents practice these four virtues towards their children, the children will respond favorably and a pleasant atmosphere will prevail at home. A home where there is loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity will be a happy home. Children who grow up under such an environment will grow up to be understanding, compassionate, willing workers and considerate employers. This is the greatest legacy any parent can give to his child.

Parents in Modern Society

One of the saddest things about modern society is the lack of parental love which children in highly industrialized countries suffer from. When a couple gets married, they usually plan to have a number of children. And once the child is born, parents are morally obliged to care for him to the best of their ability. Parents are responsible to see that a child is not only satisfied materially; the spiritual and psychological aspects are very important too.
The provision of material comfort is of secondary importance when compared to the provision of parental love and attention. We know of many parents from the not-so-well-to-do families who have brought up their children well and with plenty of love. On the other hand, many rich families have provided every material comfort for their children but have deprived them of parental love. Such children will just grow up devoid of any psychological and moral development.
A mother should consider carefully whether she should continue to be a working mother of a housewife giving all the affection and care for the well-being of her child. (Strangely, some modern mothers are also being trained to handle guns and other deadly equipments when they should be cuddling their children and training them to be good and law-abiding citizens.)
The modern trend and attitude of working mothers towards their children also tends to erode the time-honored filial piety which children are expected to shower on their parents. The replacement of breast-feeding by bottle feeding could also be another factor which has contributed to the erosion of the affection between mother and child. When mothers breast-feed and cuddle babies in their arms, the tender affection between mother and child is much greater and the influence the mother had on the child for its well-being, is much more pronounced. Under such circumstances, filial piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably present. These traditional traits are for the good and well-being of the child. It is up to the parents, especially the mother, to provide them. The mother is responsible for the child's being good or wayward. Mothers can reduce delinquency!

Parental Control

Many parents try to keep their married children under their control. They do not give due freedom to them and tend to interfere with a young married couple's life. When parents try to control their married son or married daughter and want them to follow their way of life strictly, this will create a lot of misunderstanding between the two generations as well as unhappiness between the couple. Parents may be doing it in good faith due to love and attachment towards the children, but in so doing, they are inviting more problems to themselves and to the children.
Parents must allow their children to shoulder the responsibilities of their own lives and families. For example: if some seeds are dropped under a tree, plants might grow after sometime. But if you want those plants to grow healthy and independent you must transplant them to open ground somewhere else to grow separately, so that they are not hampered by the shade of the parent tree.
Parents should not neglect the ancient wisdom based on advice given by religious teachers, wise people and elders who have developed a knowledge of the world through their own trial and errors.

Divorce

Divorce is a controversial issue among the followers of different religions. Some people believe that marriage is already recorded in heaven, thus it is not right to grant a divorce. But, if a husband and wife really cannot live together, instead of leading a miserable life and harboring more jealousy, anger and hatred, they should have the liberty to separate and live peacefully.

Responsibility Towards the Children

However, the separation of the couple must be done in an atmosphere of understanding by adopting reasonable solutions and not by creating more hatred. If a couple has children, they should try to make the divorce less traumatic for the children and help them to adjust to the new situation. And it is most important to ensure that their future and welfare will be taken. care of. It is an inhuman attitude if the couple desert their children and allow them to lead a miserable life.

The Buddhist View

In Buddhism, there is no law stating that a husband and wife should not be separated if they cannot live together harmoniously. But, if people follow the advice given by the Buddha to fulfill their duties towards each other, then, such unfortunate occurrences like divorce or separation will never happen in the first place.
In the past, where religious values were highly respected, there were greater efforts on the part of married couples — in the east as well as in west — to reach an amicable understanding to develop happy relationships based on respect, love, and regard for one another. Couples developed and made their marriages an important feature which they cherished in their hearts. Divorce cases were very rare, and were considered a disgrace because they indicated the selfishness of one party or the other.
It is a fact that until recently divorce cases were still rather rare in Buddhist countries. This is mainly because couples considered their duties and obligations towards each other, and also basically divorce is not approved by the community as a whole. In many cases, when married couples were in trouble, the community elders usually rallied round and played an important role to improve the situation.
Unfortunately, in the modern society of today, divorce has become such a common practice. In certain countries it has even become fashionable. Instead of regarding divorce as shameful or a failure to order their lives, some young couples seem to be proud of it. The main cause of the failure in marriage in modern society is the abuse of freedom and too much independence and individualism on the part of the partners. There must be a limit to their independent lives, or else both husband and wife will go astray very easily.

7. Polygamy or Monogamy   

To the question of whether Buddhists can keep more than one wife, the direct answer is not available in the Buddha's teaching, because as mentioned earlier, the Buddha did not lay down any religious laws with regard to married life although he has given valuable advice on how to lead a respectable married life.
Tradition, culture and the way of life as recognized by the majority of a particular country must also be considered when we practice certain things pertaining to our lives. Some religions say that a man can have only one wife whilst others say a man can have more than one wife.
Although the Buddha did not mention anything regarding the number of wives a man could have, he explicitly mentioned in His discourses that should a married man go to another woman out of wedlock, that could become the cause of his own downfall and he would have to face numerous other problems and disturbances.
The Buddha's way of teaching is just to explain the situation and the consequences. People can think for themselves as to why certain things are good and certain things are bad. The Buddha did not lay down rules about how many wives a man should or should not have which people are forced to follow. However, if the laws of a country stipulate that marriages must be monogamous, then such laws must be complied with, because the Buddha was explicit about His followers respecting the laws of a country, if those laws were beneficial to all.

8. New Technology   

Family Planning

Some religions are not in favor of family planning. They say it is against the will of God. Buddhism does not interfere in this personal choice. Man is at liberty to follow any method in order to prevent conception. According to Buddhism, certain physical and mental conditions must be present for conception to take place. When any one of these conditions is absent (as when family planning is being practiced), no conception takes place, therefore a life does not come into being. But after conception, abortion is NOT acceptable in Buddhism because it means taking away a life that is already present in the form of fetus.

Test-tube Babies

Some people are interested in the moral implication or religious attitude with regard to test-tube babies. If a woman is unable to conceive a baby in the normal way, and if she is anxious to have a baby by adopting modern medical methods, there is no ground in Buddhism to say that it is either immoral or irreligious. Religions must give due credit to man's intelligence and to accommodate new medical discoveries if they are harmless and beneficial to mankind. As was mentioned earlier, so long as the conditions are right, conception can be allowed to take place, naturally or artificially.

9. Morality   

Premarital Sex

Premarital sex is a problem which is much discussed in modern society. Many young people would like to know the opinion regarding this sensitive issue. Some religionists say it can be considered as committing adultery, while others say it is immoral and unjustifiable.
In the past, young boys and girls were not allowed by their parents to move around freely until they were married. Their marriages were also arranged and organized by the parents. Of course, this did cause unhappiness in some cases when parents chose partners on the basis of money, social status, family obligations and related issues. But generally, the majority of parents did try very hard to choose partners who would be acceptable to their children.
Today, young people are at the liberty to go out and find their own partners. They have a lot of freedom and independence in their lives. This is not a bad thing in itself, but some of these people are just too young and too immature to see the difference between sexual attraction and true compatibility. That is why the problem of pre-marital sex arises.
Too much laxity in matters concerning sex has also given rise to social problems in modern society. The sad part is that some societies do not express liberal attitudes towards unmarried mothers, illegitimate children and the divorcees while they are quite liberal about free sex. As a result, young people are being punished by the same society which encourages free mixing of the sexes. They become social outcasts and suffer much shame and humiliation. Many young girls have become victims of their own freedom and have ruined their future by violating age-old traditions which were valued in the east as well as in the west.
Pre-marital sex is a modern development which has come about as a result of excessive social freedom prevalent amongst present day young people. Whilst Buddhism holds no strong views either for or against such action, it is thought that all Buddhists, particularly people of both sexes in love and contemplating marriage, should adhere to the age-old traditional concept that they maintain chastity until the nuptial date. The human mind is unstable and forever changing, with the result that any illicit action or indiscretion may cause undue harm to either party if the legal marriage does not take place as expected. It must be remembered that any form of sexual indulgence before a proper marriage is solemnized will be looked down upon by the elders who are the guardians of the young people.

Sexual Misconduct

Laymen are advised in the Buddha's Teaching to avoid sexual misconduct. That means, if one wants to experience sex, he must do so without creating any violence or by using any kind of force, threat or causing fear. A decent sex life which respects the other partner is not against this religion; it accepts the fact that it is a necessity for those who are not yet ready to renounce the worldly life.
According to Buddhism, those who are involved in extra-marital sex with someone who is already married, who has been betrothed to someone else, and also with those who are under the protection of their parents or guardians are said to be guilty of sexual misconduct, because there is a rupture of social norms, where a third party is being made to suffer as a result of the selfishness of one or the other partner.

Irresponsible Sexual Behavior

The Buddha also mentioned the consequences that an elderly man would have to face if he married without considering the compatibility of age of the other party. According to the Buddha, irresponsible sexual behavior can become the cause of one's downfall in many aspects of life.
All the nations of the world have clearly defined laws concerning the abuse of sex. Here again, Buddhism advocates that a person must respect and obey the law of the country if the laws are made for the common good.

10. The East and the West   

The following are extracts from a book by the celebrated Japanese author, Dr. Nikkyo Niwano. In his book The Richer Life, Dr. Niwano deals with matters relating to love and marriage, both from the Eastern and Western points of view.

"In the West, marriage on the basis of romantic love has often been considered natural and sometimes ideal. In Asia, in recent years, the number of young people who abandon the traditional arranged marriage and select partners out of romantic consideration has been growing. But in some cases, romantic marriages lead to separation and unhappiness within a short time, whereas the arranged marriage often produces a couple who live and work together in contentment and happiness.
In spite of its emotional appeal, all romantic marriages cannot be called unqualified successes. Romantic love is like the bright flame of a wood-fire that leaps up and burns clear, but lasts only a short time. Love between man and wife burns quietly and slowly like the warming fire of burning coal. Of course, bright flaming Love can — and ideally ought to — eventually become the calm, enduring fire of mature affection. But too often the flame of romantic love is quickly extinguished, leaving nothing but ashes, which are a poor foundation for a successful married life!"

"Young people in love think of nothing but their emotions. They see themselves only in the light of the feeling of the moment. Everything they think and do is romantic and has little bearing on the practical affairs of the life they must lead after marriage. If the lovers are fortunate enough to have compatible personalities, to have sound and similar ideas about life, to share interests, to enjoy harmonious family relations on both sides and to be financially secure even after the first passion has calmed down, they will still have a basis for a good life together. If they are not so blessed, they may face marital failure."

"When the time of dates, emotional pictures, dances, and parties has passed, the young married couples will have to live together, share meals, and reveal to each other their defects as well as their merits. They will have to spend more than half of their life each day together; this kind of living makes demands that are different from the less exacting needs of dating and first love."

"Family relations become very important in married life. It is necessary to think about the personalities of the mother and father of the prospective marriage partner. Young people sometimes think that the strength of their love will enable them to get along well with the most quarrelsome, difficult in-laws; but this is not always true. In short, romance is a matter of a limited time and does not become rooted in actualities and must be regulated to conform to the needs of work and environment in order to bind the couple together in lasting devotion. The two kinds of love are different. To mistake one for the other invites grave trouble."

"Giving serious, dispassionate thought to the nature of the person one contemplates marrying, lessens the likelihood of failure. To prevent romance from vanishing after marriage, mutual understanding between the couple is indispensable. But the percentage of successful marriages is higher among young people whose choice of a partner agrees with the opinions of their parents. To live peacefully, it is necessary to realize the difference between romance and married love."

11. Celibacy   

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy is refraining from the pleasure of sexual activity. Some critics of Buddhism say that The Teaching goes against Nature and they claim that sex life is natural and therefore necessary.
Buddhism is not against sex, it is a natural sensual pleasure and very much a part of the worldly life. One may ask, why then did the Buddha advocate celibacy as a precept? Is it not unfair and against Nature? Well, the observance of celibacy for spiritual development was not a new religious precept at the time of the Buddha. All the other existing religions in India at that time also had introduced this practice. Even today, some other religionists, like the Hindus and Catholics do observe this as a vow.
Buddhists who have renounced the worldly life voluntarily observe this precept because they are fully aware of the commitments and disturbances which come along if one commits oneself to the life of a family person. The married life can affect or curtail spiritual development when craving for sex and attachment occupies the mind and temptation eclipses the peace and purity of the mind.

Significance of Celibacy

People tend to ask, "If the Buddha did not preach against married life, why then did He advocate celibacy as one of the important precepts to be observed and why did He advise people to avoid sex and renounce the worldly life?"
One must remember that renunciation is not compulsory in Buddhism. It is not obligatory to renounce the worldly life totally in order to practice Buddhism. You can adjust your way of life according to your understanding by practicing certain religious principles and qualities. You can develop your religious principles according to the needs of a lay life. However, when you have progressed and attained greater wisdom and realize that the layman's way of life is not conducive for the ultimate development of spiritual values and purification of the mind, you may choose to renounce the worldly life and concentrate more on spiritual development.
The Buddha recommended celibacy because sex and marriage are not conducive to ultimate peace and purity of the mind, and renunciation is necessary if one wishes to gain spiritual development and perfection at the highest level. But this renunciation should come naturally, and must never be forced. Renunciation should come through a complete understanding of the illusory nature of the self, of the unsatisfactory nature of all sense pleasures.

Celibacy versus Responsibility — The Buddha's Experience

The Buddha experienced his worldly life as a prince, husband and a father before his Renunciation and he knew what married life entailed. People may question the Buddha's renunciation by saying that he was selfish and cruel and that it was not fair for him to desert his wife and child. In actual fact, the Buddha did not desert his family without a sense of responsibility.
He never had any misunderstanding with his wife. He too had the same love and attachment towards his wife and child as any normal man would have, perhaps even greater. The difference was that his love was not mere physical and selfish love; he had the courage and understanding to detach that emotional and selfish love for a good cause. His sacrifice is considered all the more noble because he set aside his personal needs and desires in order to serve all of mankind for all time.
The main aim of his renunciation was not only for his own happiness, peace or salvation but for the sake of mankind. Had he remained in the royal palace, his service would have been confined to only his own family or his kingdom. That was why he decided to renounce everything m order to maintain peace and purity to gain Enlightenment and then to enlighten others who were suffering in ignorance.
One of the Buddha's earliest tasks after gaining his Enlightenment was to return to his palace to enlighten the members of his family. In fact, when his young son, Rahula asked the Buddha for his inheritance, the Buddha said that Rahula was heir to the richest wealth, the treasure of the Dhamma. In this way, the Buddha served his family, and he paved the way for their salvation, peace and happiness. Therefore, no one can say that the Buddha was a cruel or selfish father. He was in fact more compassionate and self-sacrificing than anybody else. With his high degree of spiritual development, the Buddha knew that marriage was a temporary phase while Enlightenment was eternal and for the good of all mankind.
Another important fact was that the Buddha knew that his wife and son would not starve in his absence. During the time of the Buddha it was considered quite normal and honorable for a young man to retire from the life of a householder. Other members of the family would willingly look after his dependents. When he gained his enlightenment, he was able to give them something no other father could give — the freedom from slavery to attachment.

12. Summary   

Marriage is a partnership of two individuals and this partnership is enriched and enhanced when it allows the personalities involved to grow. Many marriages fail because one partner tries to "swallow" another or when one demands total freedom. According to Buddhism, marriage means understanding and respecting each other's belief and privacy. A successful marriage is always a two-way path: "humpy, bumpy" — it is difficult but it is always a mutual path.
Young people in this country and elsewhere sometimes think that "old fashioned ideas" are not relevant to modern society. They should be reminded that there are some eternal truths which can never become out-of-date. What was true during the time of Buddha still remains true today.
The so-called modern ideas we receive through the highly glamourous television programs do not represent the way most decent people in the west think or behave. There is a vast "silent majority" of decent couples who are as deeply religious and "conservative" about marriage as any Eastern couple. They do not behave in the manner that the mass media has portrayed them. Not all the people in the west run off to get a divorce or abortion after their first quarrel or dispute.
Decent people all over the world are the same; they are unselfish and care deeply about those whom they love. They make enormous sacrifices and develop love and understanding to ensure happy and stable marriages. So, if you want to ape the west ape the "silent majority": they are no different from your decent neighbor who lives next door to you.
Young people must also listen to their elders because their own understanding about married life is not mature. They should not make hasty conclusions regarding, marriages and divorces. They must have a lot of patience, tolerance and mutual understanding. Otherwise, their life can become very miserable and problematic. Patience, tolerance and understanding are important disciplines to be observed and practiced by all people in marriage.
A feeling of security and contentment comes from mutual understanding which is the SECRET of a HAPPY MARRIED LIFE.

Appendix I: The Affectionate Mother   

In the Buddhist Jataka story — Sonadanda, the Bodhisatta sings the virtues of a mother in the following strain:

Kind, Pitiful, our refuge she that fed us at her breast.
A mother is the way to heaven, and thee she loveth best.
She nursed and fostered us with care; graced with good gifts is she,
A mother is the way to heaven, and best she loveth thee.
Craving a child in prayer she kneels each holy shrine before.
The changing season closely scans and studies astral lore.
Pregnant in course of time she feels her tender longings grow,
And soon the unconscious babe begins a loving friend to know.
Her treasure for a year or less she guards with utmost care,
Then brings it forth and from that day a mother's name will bear.
With milky breast and lullaby she soothes the fretting child,
Wrapped in his comforter's warm arms his woes are soon beguiled.
Watching o'er him, poor innocent, lest wind or hear annoy,
His fostering nurse she may be called, to cherish thus her boy.
What gear his sire and mother have she hoards for him "May be,"
She thinks, "Some day, my dearest child, it all may come to thee."
"Do this or that, my darling boy," the worried mother cries,
And when he is grown to man's estate, she still laments and sighs,
He goes in reckless mood to see a neighbor's wife at night,
She fumes and frets, "Why will he not return while it is light?"
If one thus reared with anxious pains his mother should neglect,
Playing her false, what doom, I pray, but hell can he expect?
Those that love wealth o'er much, 'tis said, their wealth will soon be lost
One that neglects a mother soon will rue it to his cost.
Those that love wealth o'er much, 'tis said, their wealth will soon be lost.
One that neglects a father soon will rue it to his cost.
Gifts, loving speech, kind offices together with the grace
Of calm indifference of mind shown in time and place —
These virtues to the world are as linchpin to chariot wheel.
These lacking, still a mother's name to children would appeal.
A mother like the sire should with reverent honor be crowned,
Sages approve the man in whom those virtues may be found.
Thus parents worthy of all praise, a high position own,
By ancient sages Brahma called. So great was their renown.
Kind parents from their children should receive all reverence due,
He that is wise will honor them with service good and true.
He should provide them food and drink, bedding and raiment meet,
Should bathe them and anoint with oil and duly wash their feet.
So filial services like these sages his praises sound
Here in this world, and after death in heaven his joys bound.

— Jataka translation Vol. V pp. 173, 174

Appendix II: Moral Code   

1. Social and Moral Code

The most important element of the Buddhist reform has always been its social and moral code. That moral code taken by itself is one of the most perfect which the world has ever known. On this point all testimonials from hostile and friendly quarters agree; philosophers there may have been, religious preachers, subtle metaphysicists, disputants there may have been, but where shall we find such an incarnation of love, love that knows no distinction of caste and creed or color, a love that overflowed even the bounds of humanity, that embraced the whole of sentient beings in its sweep, a love that embodied as the gospel of universal "Maitri" and "Ahimsa."

— Prof. Max Muller, A German Buddhist Scholar

2. Morality is based on freedom

Buddhist morality is based on freedom, i.e., on individual development. It is therefore relative. In fact there cannot be any ethical principle if there is compulsion or determination from an agent outside ourselves.

— Anagarika B. Govinda, A German Buddhist Scholar

3. Knowledge and Morality

In Buddhism there can be no real morality without knowledge, no real knowledge without morality; both are bound up together like heat and light in a flame. What constitutes "Bodhi" is not mere intellectual, enlightenment, but humanity. The consciousness of moral excellence is of the very essence of "Bodhi."

— Bhikkhu Dhammapala, A Netherland Buddhist Scholar